San Andreas A Real Disaster

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is literally on shaky ground in this forgettable disaster tryst

ON CONTINUITY

ARTH VADER (AV): In loving memory of all the great disaster flicks like Twister, Towering Inferno, Tidal Wave, Dante’s Peak, 2012, The Day After Tomorrow, and Armageddon, San Andreas is the doomsday-eque tale of “the big one.” The supposed impending mega-quake along the San Andreas Fault line that will decidedly re-shape the west coast as parts of California are believed to likely fall into the Pacific. These films are fun, fruity fiction that play on our fears while trying to move us to tears. Thoughts, oh Pontificatorious one? 

THE PONTIFICATOR (TP): There is a formula for films like this and the producers of this film stuck to it. Now, doing so doesn’t make this a great film, but it certainly made it a predictable one. If continuity were following a specific way formula for a hero/disaster film, then this film stuck to that…to the letter.

CASTING, ACTING AND DIRECTION

AV: Paul “The Rhino” Giamatti plays a decidedly intelligent role of a geologist who has the unfortunate burden of knowing what’s about to happen and in turn loose his partner (along with about 30 million Californians) for his troubles. The lovely and talented Carla Gugino all but wastes her time in this film. Even Ioan “No-longer Mr Fantastic” Gruffudd plays an unlikely super-industrialist for no reason whatsoever. Director Brad Peyton’s epic cinematography is misplaced in such an Epic flop and well, I won’t even mention the ‘acting.’

TP: Make no mistake this is a film about “The Rock” (Dwayne Johnson) and he does exactly what I expected of him…bigger than life with plenty of flexing. That said, the supporting cast does well, given the material. Carla Gugino (last seen by me in “Wayward Pines”) is the estranged ex-wife. Ioan Gruffudd (last seen by me in “Forever”) is the new boyfriend with loads of cash, but very little courage. Paul Giamatti, my favorite of the supporting cast, is the scientist that has important information, that nobody else knows. Although there was a lot of unused talent here, the direction of the film was more predictable than knowing submerging yourself in water will make you wet.

SPECIAL EFFECTS

AV: Nothing says big-budget summer blockbuster than a massive visual effects budget on film devoid of story, value or merit. The ridiculous Tsunami, vast scope of giant cities buckling under massive aftershocks. On-screen, the visuals keep the audience from dozing or walking out wouldn’t you say old friend? 

TP: With a film this predictable, effects is really all there is to it. While the effects were great, there really was nothing new presented here to make up for the lack of everything else. Wanton destruction has been done before, the trick is to do it better than anyone else ever has…and this film missed that mark. 

TAKING A DEEPER LOOK

AV: Its hard to consider a film like this anything other than eye-candy. Characters appear and disappear without any reason or explanation. We’re given little-to-no opportunity for character motivations (other than survival) and improbable scenarios arise that we simply take at face value (like how its ok to steal or randomly ‘borrow’ any boat plane or truck you need to get around during a giant Earthquake). 

Look in all fairness, movies like this don’t deserve our individual or collective brain power, but that doesn’t mean bad movies get a pass for spending $150 million dollars. C’mon Hollywood, you’re better than that. 

TP: If you are a huge fan of The Rock like I am, then you will give this film a pass regardless of all it’s shortcomings…the greatest of which is the fact you can tell exactly what is going to happen before it happens…in every…single…scene. I said earlier there is a formula for films like this. Great hero/disaster films tend to deviate from this formula in some way to give some surprise to the audience. The makers of this film didn’t even bother with that. As a result, I sat there like a precog for the entire film with the only high point being my fandom for The Rock, and all the cheesiness with which they presented his character.

ON SEQUELS

AV: The big travesty is that more big budget, brainless boob movies like this are sure to follow. No one asks for them, no one wants them, but we keep going so they keep getting made. (sigh)

TP: Nope…don’t even bother because I will predict that one too. It will go like this: The Rock goes to another area, an earthquake (or other natural disaster) happens, he saves his family (or whatever supporting characters are presented) with all the non-surprises and cliche of this film, the end.

RATE IT!

ARTH VADER rates San Andreas: The saving grace of this film is in its cornball cheesiness and the sheer ridiculousness of the screenplay and the film’s overall premise. But if you are so inclined, buy some popcorn at your local dollar store, nuke up a bowl or two, rent or stream San Andreas and get ready to get ready for well, not very much. That’s why I’m digging deep into my well of generosity and offer two (2)  Busted Blocks out of ten on the Busted Block scale. One for the visuals and the other as bribe to promise these producers never to make this kind of schlock ever again. 

THE PONTIFICATOR rates San Andreas:  The only thing that even remotely gives this film a decent rating (such as it is) is the fact I’m one of the biggest Dwayne Johnson fans on the planet and a sucker for gratuitous destruction. Other than that, the predictability of this film makes it just a giant two hour cliche barely able to destroy five (5) busted blocks.

San Andreas: 3.5 / 10 Busted Blocks

Not Your Average Joe

With a bevy of bullets, brawn and bad-assery, GI JOE: Retaliation delivers a better-than-to-be-expected thrill

ON CONTINUITY

ARTH VADER (AV): On the heels of a disappointing first big-budget effort (GI JOE: The Rise of Cobra, 2009), this next movie was actually slated for release nearly a year ago. The rumor was that the movie was just simply not ready. Glad they waited! This movie was stellar by comparison and does a good job of merging an expansive toy universe with modern day headline topics like terrorism and next-generation weaponry. To be a hundred percent honest, Ponty, I was expecting munch worse. 

THE PONTIFICATOR (TP): Then maybe I saw what you expected Vader.The Joe’s have a long history and even the recent version of them has extensive story from which to draw material. That said, there is almost never a need to draw directly from previous material...almost. This film follows the events of the first one, it’s just the places it takes you that’s the issue. Keeping continuity isn’t always better than a reboot.

CASTING, DIRECTING AND ACTING

AV: I am glad they took the extra time to polish this movie, because with the addition of new "JOE" stars, Dwayne Johnson (ROADBLOCK) and Bruce Willis (Original JOE) we got the movie we should have had in the first place. Fun, fast-paced and frivolous, this movie has started down the (long!) road to redemption for this short but potentially fun franchise. The movie's pacing and direction kept you engaged for the whole ride and the camera work was strong. 

TP: I don’t have a good thing to say about any of the three categories in this section. I thought the casting was shoddy, as was the acting...and the movie, although paced adequately, seemed disjointed as if some important parts were left on the cutting room floor. Although Dwayne Johnson continues to be a box office draw, I failed to see why anyone was drawn to him in this film. Adrianne Palicki was uneventful as was the brief appearance by Channing Tatum. The best performances were from Jonathan Pryce, especially in his dual role which was quietly comedic, and Byung-hun Lee. Lee brought the only real drama to the film as he seemed to be the only one taking his role serious. It seemed like Bruce Willis was just there to collect a check...by drawing a few more fans from name recognition. 

SPECIAL EFFECTS

AV: The effects shots were handled well–not too many and nothing terribly over the top. The orbital platform scenes were impressive and the destruction of London was impressive CGI—making the experience and the threat believable. Perhaps my favorite effects sequence is the battle in the mountain monastery with "Snake Eyes" (Ray "Darth Maul" Park) and the Red Ninjas. As many who know me well can attest, as a big action/sci-fi/fantasy movie fan, my favorite effects shots are always the ones that don't make me THINK I'm watching an effect shot. 

TP: The 3D was very nice and the other special effects were everything one could, at the very least, expect from a film like this. The action sequences were very good with the expected martial arts displays and larger-than-life explosions, but what caught my eye the most as done particularly well were the costume designs. I especially favored Storm Shadow and Cobra Commander’s wardrobe and thought what was lacking in substance, was made up in appearance.

TAKING A DEEPER LOOK

AV: While I was horribly disappointed at the first JOE, this movie was fun. As I have told many in my corner of the world, 'this was a better movie than it deserved to be.' By that I mean the acting and story line were solid, action was good, pacing was sound and the effects were first-rate. The glitches for me were in scenes where the President is calling on the "GI JOEs" to be heroes. Lame. Or when the primary villain is identified as "Cobra Commander". I know these are the names but this does NOT go over well in dialogue onscreen and feels more childish and ridiculous when put into a serious story-telling context. Furthermore, the preposterous nature of "COBRA" commanding a fleet of new-age orbital weapons that no one else even knows is there is… well, stupid, That said, the movie was fun and I most definitely recommend seeing this one in 3D. When was the last time you heard me say THAT Potificator? 

TP: Indeed Vader, while I always recommend 3D, it’s taking time for you to warm to it. I looked deeply at this film, and that’s where it all fell apart. I never bought the relationship between Duke (Tatum) and Roadblock (Johnson) because they didn’t sell it. In fact it was very painful to watch as it seemed more forced with each passing scene. It was actually a relief when Duke was eliminated as I didn’t have to be subjected to the pain any longer. It was the same story with nearly everyone in the film, and the sooner they stopped talking and started shooting, the better. The bulk of the appeal of this film is with the action and effects. I realize that a film like this is supposed to be shallow and rely on the dazzle, but it wouldn’t hurt to have a good story and believable performances. 

ON SEQUELS

AV: This movie was is a hit and even if it performed moderately at the box office, I gotta believe a third installment isn't far, if not inevitable. I honestly do think a better title for this movie would have been  GI JOE: Redemption both because of the story of how the JOEs redeem their honor and the fact that this is light years beyond their first onscreen debacle. I dare say, I am looking forward to another… 

TP: Of course they could make another, and another, and another...but really, why? They left the door wide open for a third installment, and with so many Joe characters that have yet to make an appearance, it’s probable we’ll have another round of flip kicks and explosions. Anything for money... smh. 

RATE IT!

Arth Vader rates  GI JOE: Retaliation: While it is just too much of a stretch for me to suggest anyone should accept the sheer silliness of this movie's story and the ridiculousness of it's premise, the flick goes a long way to entertain and I must admit, I liked it. In the end, that's all any entertainment effort wants you to walk away with. So, JOE, mission: accomplished. Thus, for me, this better-than-expected follow-up pulls a solid seven (7) Cobra-catching, busted blocks.

THE PONTIFICATOR rates G.I Joe Retaliation: A movie that’s only bread and butter are special effects and action isn’t really a bad thing. I really enjoy those types of movies, if they are done well. This film wasn’t done particularly well when it came to characters and choice of actors and the action sequences were bridges over shoddy story and poor performances. This film was thoroughly five busted blocks...if not for the innovative action sequences which exploded an additional block for a total of six (6) busted blocks. 

G.I. Joe: Retaliation: 6.5/10 Busted Blocks